Horrible title, I know.

So what's up then duckies?

This is really just because I need to get my journal changed and I've been thinking a lot lately.

Went to the pictures yesterday. August Rush. Anyone seen it?
It really hit something in me and I think again I realize that I'm really not the person I wish I was.
Like I'm not doing what I want to do with myself and I'm... Very sad to say it, but not with the people I wish I was.

So many times I keep on thinking that I would be way better off just being on my own for the rest of my life. No family and no friends.
But I could never do that to them.
And then I keep on thinking that if I stay away any longer will they forget about me like so many other have done before?
Maybe that would be for the better. Then I wouldn't bring them down and we could all move on.
But I do love them. I really do.

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

So what do you do when someone you love, says they love you, but don't really think about how you feel?
I never told anyone before I would tell him. That wouldn't be right.
But then he never shows up anymore, wont talk... just isn't there. Then one day you show up to school and everything seems as sucky as they've been the last month.
One thing is different though. He's going to tell you what has been going on.
But it's not like he will wait to tell others before he has told the person he says is his world, his everything. No... He tells her friend and her boyfriend before that. Just because they were there you know.
They were there so why not tell them?
Then later, he takes you out and tries to tell you in a good way.
What he says makes you worse than you have been in ages and he ties a rock around your neck and pushes you down a hole.

He is seeing help. And there is one reason for that. You.
He says that your depression is too much and that he can't take it anymore, but hey! He loves you right?
Fuck... That's why he never tells you anything, right?

He goes home or wherever it is he is going. Not like you cared at that point because all you could think about is how much you are destroying the lives of the people around you.

Go down to the lockers. Your friends are there, they can cheer you up a bit.
But they let some things slip and you find out that they know a hell of a lot more than you ever did. He has been talking to them and then later saying to you that he can't find the right words for it. That's why he wont talk to you.

So... you are the last to know anything. And now you feel lost and you hate yourself more than you ever though you could.
And it is all because of the people you love.
But you can't blame them, no... There has to be a reason right?

Oh yeah. There is a big reason.

You...

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Just something that has been on my mind since it happened and I don't think any of them realized how much it hurt for me and why I stayed away as much as I could.

I guess I can never do anything right.
Just the thought that someone is having to go and see help because of my problems though is a fucking slap in the face.

[link] <--- Latest video blog.

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So again, my mood is set to amused, but for some reason it takes forever to load up the mood icons so I'm just leaving it.
I think you can guess my mood from my journal.

I don't know what to do any more.
I bought some razors a while back and I just know I'll be using them tonight.

I wish I wasn't scared of help.

[link]

So the mood says Amused, but it's taking to much time to upload the icons and I can't be bothered to mess around with this any more.

Just got to say that the latest Naruto episode has some great moments.
The facial expressions are made of win and it just seems like the animation is better.

Lee's arrival was so funny and the "fight"... Priceless!

Wow! It's a long time since I updated my journal now.

Right now I'm working on several icons and I feel really guilty to have not finished them before Christmas. Sorry peeps. You'll get them soon.

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I kind of feel like talking about the stuff happening in my life, or maybe more in my head, but I'm really not sure yet. Sorry to all my friends who have maybe felt like I've been pushing them away or maybe ignored them. I just keep on having panic attacks and I get claustophobic around loads of people.

I'm not sure if I can say it like this, but I can tell you guys what goes on... Ok, I'm confusing myself now. I find it hard to talk about it, but like Mariann, she asks and I answer.
If there is anything though. I'll openly answer any questions if there is anything you guys want to know.

See you guys around!

~ SB

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~ Clubs ~

Yes!
You heard it! I presume that my watchers get this little note cos I'm going to work my ass off giving all my watchers the chance for an avi for Christmas. Just leave a note or a comment of what you want it of and I'll post it on Christmas eve or morning.

For the people that are waiting for requests: I know that you are waiting for them to come, but Christmas is a really hard time for me and I would just love to be able to get the presents finished for all my lovely watchers. Pluss you could get a free extra avi yourself.

Hope you guys have a wonderful time up to Christmas and I'll speak to you guys then!

Ja ne!